Here’s a typical example of conflict between friends:
Kaka and Terry were from the same department and they had several modules in common. One of the modules was programming methodology and students taking this module have to put in a huge amount effort to do well. The module consists of a practical examination where students have to solve a problem within certain period of time using computer software.
When it came to the practical examination, Kaka was struggling to solve the problem even after intense preparation. He was very upset and walked out the examination room with a heavy heart. Meanwhile, Terry felt that the exam question was very easy and was able to solve it. He walked out the examination room with joy. When Kaka met Terry outside, the first thing that Terry would share with Kaka was how easy he found the exam question to be, without even noticing the facial expression of Kaka.
Now, Kaka who was already in a very bad mood was provoked by Terry and his first reaction was to stare at him. But he then decided to suppress his anger, keep quiet and let Terry continue. Even though this did not result in any verbal conflict, it affected Kaka and Terry’s relationship without Terry’s knowledge. Kaka was very upset by Terry’s inconsiderate comment and has decided to stop talking with him until he’s able to forget that.
In this case, do you think Kaka should tell Terry about his feelings after listening to his callous comment? Do you think Terry is wrong by telling his friend his opinion of the examination? How should Terry respond if he knew that Kaka was upset at him?
Hi See Hon. The situation you had described above is one of the common sights you might see right after an examination. I would like to point out the following issues.
ReplyDelete1. Obviously, Terry was not paying much attention to Kaka's body language and his facial expression. This is one Emotional Intelligence (EQ) skill which Terry needs to pick up when communicating with someone.
2. On the other hand, Terry might have noticed Kaka's disappointed look, but did not even offer to comfort him. Instead, he might be trying to boast about himself in front of Kaka. This is definitely not right of Terry. He should have put himself in Kaka's shoes.
Terry should ask himself, "How would I feel if Kaka were to be the one saying that to me?"
Think before you act.
3. Kaka, upon hearing those 'sarcastic' words made by Terry, did not flare up. Instead, he allowed him to continue. Perhaps, Kaka was trying to look at Terry at another point of view.
"Terry might be over-excited that he unknowingly said these in front of me. I think he didn't mean it"
I feel we should judge someone based on only a bad experience or encounter with him/her. We should try to get to know that person better, before coming to a conclusion about his/her character.
I think that Kaka should have been comfortable with Terry, and therefore share how he was feeling.
ReplyDeleteIf Terry was more observant and aware of his friend's predicament, Terry should suppress his joy in order not to make Terry feel worse.
Hi See Hon,
ReplyDeleteI think that Terry should have asked Kaka his opinion on the exam instead of saying his own views.
Be a good listener. Terry should also be aware of Kaka’s nonverbal cues.
I feel that if Terry had noticed Kaka’s disappointment, he should not say his opinion on the exam.
I think that Kaka was not even in the mood to voice out his feelings on Terry’s unsympathetic comments. If it were me, I will just keep quiet and feel even more disappointed on top of the difficult exam.
Do you think Kaka should tell Terry about his feelings after listening to his callous comment?
ReplyDeleteYes. If the comment Terry made in Kaka’s presence hurt Kaka, he should tell Terry about it. Especially if the two of them are friends, because friendship shouldn’t die because of something so trivial. Friendship is far too important. You can’t bottle things up that make you mad. Say what you need to say.
Do you think Terry is wrong by telling his friend his opinion of the examination?
No. Terry was happy about his performance on the exam and simply wanted to share his happiness with his friend. He had no intention of actually hurting Kaka in any way, and he was not at fault. He was just simply hoping that just maybe, his friend wouldn’t be as selfish as he appears in this story, and be happy for him.
How should Terry respond if he knew that Kaka was upset at him?
Apologize. Maybe express to Kaka he didn’t intend for him to get hurt. He was just happy about his exam.
This is just a personal note, but Kaka needs to grow up. How can you possibly take offense to such a mediocre conflict? Terry was most likely just hoping his friend would be happy for him. If this was a real conflict, Kaka is a selfish individual, who really does need to grow up. I have had worse conflicts than this pretty regularly throughout my life and I have never “cried” as much as Kava did over something so trivial. Grow up and become emotionally stable.
Thoai Anh Tang.
Although many may said that Terry should suppress his happiness to consider Kala's feeling, I feel that this is hypocritical. True friends should be honest with each other. This is because it would be even worse if the examination results came out and Kala realized that Terry actually scored so much better. Then, Kala will feel that Terry had "lied" in spite of the best intentions of Terry's.
ReplyDeleteHowever, at the same time, Terry should practise some tact and diplomacy in his response and reaction. One can be honest but yet concurrently not make a big issue out of the whole thing and hurt others in the process.
I feel that Kala should move on and not think about her examination which is already over and irreversible. Kala should try studying for the other exams to make up for the earlier lousy one.
In this society especially the Asian society, it is very sad that we are usually defined by our examination results and outward success rather than who truly are on the inside.
Cheers Kala!
Hello See Hon,
ReplyDeleteI think the interpersonal conflict that you posted is one that is very common in everyone's life. More often than not, I would find myself being in Kaka's shoes.
Though Terry could not be blamed for his intelligence, he could have practiced more tact in dealing with his friend's feelings. For example when the paper ended, he could have asked Kaka how was the paper first. And if Kaka mentioned that the paper was easy, he can then continue with rambling on about how easy the paper was and al;. But if Kaka said that it was difficult, Terry could have showed more empathy and perhaps offer his help for the practical.
In addition, I also think that Kaka should voice out his unhappiness over Terry's insenstivitity. Because if Terry doesn't know, he would never learn from his mistakes and he will continue offending other people. Since Terry and Kaka are good friends, Terry would less likely be offended by Kaka's frankness and everything could be resolved in a good hearted way probably by Terry apologizing.
Kaka should also not feel so bitter about it and channel all his unhappiness and disappointment into working harder for the next examination! :D Go Kaka!